Sick

I am sick of feeling sick after eating. I am sick of my pants feeling tight. I am sick of buying clothes “just one size bigger.” I am sick of vowing to eat “healthy” today and then binging in starvation by 3:00pm. I am sick of feeling guilty for every bite of food that is not low in fat and calories. I am sick of feeling huge all the time. I am sick of feeling guilty for working so hard to lose 60 pounds and then throwing it all away. I am sick of feeling ugly and overweight. I am sick of being jealous of those who can stop eating when they are full. I am sick of wanting to have someone else’s body and metabolism. I am sick of being disgusted with myself.

I am sick of being consumed by an obsession with food and weight. 

For me, losing weight is far more than the physical acts of cutting calories and working out. It is in my head. I live in a world where every situation with food is stressful and exhausting. And I want out of this world. More than words can express.

It’s not as easy as going on diet, losing weight, and being happy with my new, thinner body. Because I’ve done that. And now I’ve reverted back to my old ways.  I need to change my way of thinking and the entire life that I live. I need to make healthy eating and fitness a part of my everyday life, regardless of how busy or stressful my life is.

Four weeks ago, I started my first year of teaching. I generally spend about 10 hours a day at school – planning, teaching, grading, and the like. I plan a healthy breakfast and pack a healthy lunch, but end of splurging on the candy stored in my desk drawer for my students or the treats in the staff lounge. Or I come home  at 6:00pm in starvation mode and want to eat everything in sight. And the last thing that I want to do after a full day of teaching is work out.

Although this is the life that I’m living, it doesn’t have to be the life for me. I have realized that although I want so badly to be the best teacher that I can be, I can’t be good at anything unless I am good to myself. My current routine leaves me sluggish, exhausted, and unhappy with the way that I feel and the way that I look. And something needs to change.

Everyone has things going on in their lives. Everyone is busy. I can no longer use this as an excuse. And I can no longer let my unhealthy obsession with food control me. Awareness is the first step to change. The next step is a plan. Here’s my plan for how to advocate for change this week:

  • Track all food intake to be more aware of overeating
  • Make time to move, even if it means taking the puppy for a long walk
  • Stay hydrated, as to not mistake hunger for thirst or boredom
  • Eat treats in moderation (rather than completely avoiding and bingeing later)

I apologize for the heavy nature of this post, especially since I haven’t written in awhile. But I mostly wrote it for myself. And maybe for those who might be in the same boat and think you are the only one. You’re not. (I was in part inspired by Gretchen‘s recent post … she rocks!)

Let’s toast to making healthy changes. What is something that you’re doing to stay healthy and happy this week?

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2 Responses to Sick

  1. Sherri says:

    I just ran across your blog and I have to say…this post is exactly what I needed to read this morning. There are so many things you said that resonate with me. I’m starting over with how I treat myself, too. It’s not about knowing what is good for me…I know what’s good for me and I know how to do it. I just have such a battle in my head to win every single day.

    I just wanted to say thank you for being so open…because people really do need to hear they’re not alone in how they feel.

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