tI came across this image on Pinterest today:
It’s true. So true. But lately, I’ve been struggling a lot with self-loathing. The crazy thing is that I recently lost 35 pounds. I’m smaller than I can remember being since elementary school. I should love my new body, right? But when I look into the mirror, I still see a chunky girl. When I put on my new, smaller clothes, I still see the rolls in the tummy and fat on my thighs.
I think part of it has to do with my eating habits. I am struggling again with making healthy choices when I am eating out or over at friends’ and family’s homes, bingeing when I am home alone, and letting my sweet tooth get the best of me. When I eat crappy, I always gain a few pounds (and subsequently lose them, regain them, lose them …). Who knows if these pounds actually show on my body, but they warp my self-image.
I am also permanently mad at myself. For not finishing what I started. Again. Like I’ve said before, I don’t have a goal weight, more like a goal “feeling.” And I’m not there yet. Lots of people tell me how great I look, and while I appreciate it greatly, I have trouble believing them.
Usually because I just maxed on some Doritos. 😉 But mostly because I know I can do better.
I’m not one to say that losing weight will solve all of life’s problems. Especially not my own self-image problems. I will always struggle with loving myself and my body. But I know that I would be more proud of myself if I remained determined and accomplished the goal that I’ve had for myself for years now.
I truly believe that small changes add up to bigger ones, and each healthy decision leads to another. For example, tonight, as my boyfriend and I discussed what to pick up for dinner – way too hot to cook … oh wait, I don’t cook anyways 🙂 – he suggested fish fry. Normally, I would jump at the opportunity to eat myself into a mind numbing food coma (breaded cod, potato pancakes or waffle fries, rye bread and butter, coleslaw …), but instead I said “I’m not really feeling that tonight … I’d really like a good salad.” He is really supportive of my weight struggles and takes subtle hints well, so he suggested Panera. A step in the right direction, but there is still room to make not-so-healthy decisions. But I held my head high and ordered the Strawberry Poppyseed Salad with
a baguette an apple. And I will live … I might even enjoy it.