Do you know what I’m sick of writing and reading? Posts about re-comittment. This week, I am going to do better. Eat less sugar. Eat more vegetables. Workout more. Whatever it is. They are everywhere. I am totally guilty of them myself.
I guess what I hate the most is the fact that I always have to re-comitt. Why is it so hard for me to just stay on track? What can’t I just let myself enjoy one treat without losing myself to a binge or a week of unhealthy choices? It’s so frustrating. But the worst part about it is the guilt. I live in a dark place where my thoughts revolve around food and how disgusting I feel.
Today, I got a speeding ticket – my first one ever. Of course it happened on my way to teach a Jazzercise class (#healthyintentions), while I was listening to music and thinking about choreography in my head. I was caught up in the music and not paying attention to my speed. So how did I react? I buried myself in a bag of chips and a container of ice cream after class. So unnecessary. Many people could probably shake it off and move on, but it consumes my thoughts. I beat myself up for making such a stupid decision – both the speeding and the eating.
Last week when I reached Weight Watchers Lifetime status, I had the courage to post my before and after picture on Facebook. Not only my own Facebook page, but also in a Jazzercise Instructor group. In turn, Jazzercise Inc. posted it on their corporate Facebook page. At the end of the day, I received well over 2,000 likes and hundreds of comments from both people I know very well and individuals who I have never met in my life. I am still responding to messages and comments where people expressed what an inspiration I am to them and asked for my advice.
Sometimes I feel like a phony, as I am still struggling everyday to make healthy choices. On a day like today, when I made a really unhealthy, emotionally-charged decision, I kick myself, because I want to inspire people. I want other, ordinary people know that they CAN make healthy changes and better themselves. But I feel like I have to love myself first. Like really love myself.
So I want my goal this week to be different. Not to limit carbs or stay away from desserts. I want to work on loving myself and loving my life. Everyday, I want to acknowledge something that I love about myself or my life. I want it to be authentic. I will never love my fluffy stomach or the nails that I can’t stop biting. But I need to stop focusing on the things that I am unhappy with and make note of the things that are great.
I guess one of the things that I have learned from my weight loss journey and even writing this post is that losing weight won’t solve all of life’s problems. I didn’t love myself when I was fat, and I still don’t love myself now that I am smaller. But maybe acknowledging this is the first step.
I know that I deserve it. I just need to believe it.
ETA: My boyfriend just popped into the bedroom (where I am blogging) to give me a kiss on his way to the kitchen for a snack. He has NO idea that I’m blogging or what I am writing about. I love that.